Living 365 with Depression : How I conquer my demons

Depression.

It is still one of the sensitive topics that our society ignores. It is still consider a taboo and not everyone can understand or still doesn't believe that depression is real. Now I'm writing this to break the stigma and be an eye opener that mental health is also important.

I've been living with depression for almost 7 years and was diagnose last 2017 with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Self-Harm and Psychosis.

It started when I was in a bad relationship, everyday I blame myself for not being good enough. How I develop the insecurities that turn into shaming myself that I'm worthless.

I still remember those night where I cried helplessly, begging for the voices to stop, over and over they're telling me that I'm better off dead. It was a surge of heavy emotions that I can't take in anymore, so I did self-harm to ease the pain transferring the emotional to physical pain.

I still remember crying myself to sleep and wishing that I would never wake up the next day.

From series of cuts, hitting my head, punching myself and stabbing. Yes there are also several attempts.

I'm glad that I conquered the habit of hurting myself uncontrollably. But sadly up to this day I'm still living with depression and anxiety. Yes, I do take medications and counselling but It's on and off. Why? One reason is It is really expensive for me to afford a psychiatrist, the medications cost too much to maintain it and I don't like the side effects. Don't get me wrong I have a family, few friends and a supportive boyfriend. So the question of many is why are you still depress or sad ? This question hits me so hard. Others once told me " You have a good life, a loving children and stable job. So why end your life ?". Why ? The question is always why. I wish I knew, some days I wish that I can be normal. I wish I can handle problems and stress like how others can. Believe me I always wanted to be well and not sad or depressed.

Some one told me " You can always choose to be happy. " I wish I can .Cause you know what ? there days that you don't want to leave your bed cause your fucking tired. There are days that you know you're not Okay but you still smile for the benefit of others. There are still days that out of nowhere your going to have a mental break down and cry in the middle of the night and realize all you have is yourself. There are days that your just tired of fighting.

5 things that help me cope up with my depression and anxiety :

• Self love - Yes ! Self love ! We need to love ourselves more, above all we must always put ourselves first on our priority list. Pamper ourselves, treat yourself on a date. Embrace your flaws, but when I say Embrace it ! Let's be, real those acne and stretch marks are ugly and we can't deny that ? right ? the key is acceptance. Accepting the mere fact that you are human imperfect yet resilient. Flawed yet still worth it .

PS. this is hard up until now I'm still in the process of learning to love myself its not easy, know that it will take time.

• Open Up - I know, I know this is the hardest part. You may have been judge of being dramatic or over reacting, been there done that. I've been rejected, hurt and misunderstood as well. But on one point I realize that it's better to let it all out than to keep it all in yourself. I don't fucking care anymore. If they think that I'm dramatic or being too emotional or sensitive, let it be. The important thing is that I speak up, instead of keeping all my thoughts that would eventually make me crazy overthinking.

Again it took me years to practice opening up cause I know its frightening. There are words that we wanted to hear at some point but Darling this is not Hollywood, this is reality. Where people have their own opinions and not reading a script.

• Self-Help - At the end of the day all you have is yourself, so please be kind with yourself. When I was young I was afraid of the dark because we were told that there are monsters hiding beneath our beds, but when I grew up I overcome that fear I realize that the monsters that are once hiding under our beds are now the demons inside my head, I learn to embrace my darkness and battle those devilish whispers saying I'm not worth it every freaking day of my life. Only you can defeat them , only you can save yourself.

So be kind remember all of us are fighting silent battles everyday. There would be no knight in shining armor that would save you. You have to be brave.

• Hold on - Just like the weather It's not always a rainy day every now and then the sun shines and if your lucky there would be a bonus rainbow after the downpour. It's not always a bad day, there are times that we are hopeful and full of life. Don't give up, Pain is not there forever to torture us . As like the flowers we need a little bit of rain and sun to bloom. I guess I'm being hopeful when I wrote this. But in life we need to learn to rest and not to quit. If your hurting, then cry; let it all out. If you feel empty, you need to fill up the void and only you can fill up that gap.

I know I'm being too cheesy but believe me there are still people with good hearts who cares, who will listen and thinks that you're amazing.

• Eliminate Toxic from your Life - YES ! Remove toxic's whether it's a friend, a family a member, relationship, job or environment get the fuck out of there ! It's okay to unfollow , block and unfriend people or things in your life. A friend told me once " Sometimes holding on is more painful than letting go." And I let that sink in so, I quit my first job, broke up with my almost 7 years on and off toxic relationship , unfriend people who tends to use me and abuse me whether it's a long time best friend or family member I'll cut them all off for the sake of peace of mind. Because on one point in life you'll realize that life's too short to give a whole damn fuck to everyone who do not appreciate you and tend to ruin your peace of mind. It's better to keep your circle small, get into a healthy relationship and love your job because you love what you're doing and what's the most important is thinking about yourself first before others. Your not being selfish It's only about Loving yourself.

If you happen to reach the end of my blog and still feel hopeless and wanted to end it all please know that I care, I wanna hear your thoughts. Send me a message or email me. Let's help each other.

You can also contact :

Manila Lifeline Centre Hotline: (02) 8969191 Hotline: Mobile phone: 0917 854 9191